Revelations of a Control Freak (who just happens to be insecure too)

This morning, via a conversation with a close friend, I realized something about myself.  I am an insecure control freak who has a plan for the back up to plan to the original plan.  When I can’t see the outcome of said original plan I tend to freak out and often times give up.  I know what you are thinking: “What the hell does this have to do with running a race?”  Well…everything really. 

In just about 30 days I will be running (and walking…lets face it people—I’m not completely ready to run the entire thing) a race with 60,000 other people…well—59,999.  I have no control over what these others do. I have no control over whether the race will turn out ok.  I have no control over the weather or even my performance as a whole.  Now, couple that with feeling like all 59 thousand people are watching me and you’ve got one big ass mess.  It hinders me—the insecure control freak thing—from doing what I love to do or from trying new things.  For the past couple of weeks I have been a mess (nervous and gassy—we have discussed this already) over the race inching ever closer and me (this is the insecure part) not being prepared enough or good enough to even be in the race.

But here is the thing that I know: I am perfectly capable of completing the race on my own and I’m as prepared as I’ll ever be.  I don’t have to have a plan for the plan for the plan and whatever the outcome will be it will be.  So you’re asking “If you know that, then what’s with this el stupido post?”  Well, just because I know it doesn’t mean I am fully aligned with it.  I mean people know eating an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies will cause gained poundage but do they still do it?  Um…duh…of course.  Eating the entire box feels so much better than stopping.  Eventually, though, there is this light bulb that goes off and they stop at the serving size (or at least one sleeve)—so I am hoping my light bulb will go off too…and soon.

If I don’t learn to let go and stop trying to control everything then every goal I have, not just this one, will be hindered because I will be too busy making sure all plans are in place and operational.  And, not to sound like the dude on SNL, but I AM good enough, I AM smart enough and ‘gosh darn it’ people like me.  Besides, half of those people are not even going to pay me any attention—as if they care!  Ok, ok. I’m shaking it off and letting it go.  No one can stop me…except me…so Me—get the hell out of the way.  I have a race to run.

The Runner